The Ultimate Relationship Test

A "tweet" from a friend the other day got me thinking about something.  Relationships and indicators that it's healthy or not.  I think most of us can tell when a relationship has gone bad, but can we tell if it's about to go bad?  I've had a theory, (sadly, not scientifically proved) that if you aren't able to be yourself, completely yourself, in front of your partner, you're heading into dangerous territory.  One ascertains this by doing a very simply sophisticated test: The Fart Test.  For more delicate sensibilities, "The Breaking Wind" test, or for those who love euphemisms, "Cutting the Cheese Test".  For a relationship to remain healthy and dynamic, both partners have to be truly present in the relationship. To me, being present means being comfortable enough with the other person that should nature suddenly, and  rudely erupt, or disrupt, during a conversation, it's no big deal. We can laugh about it and continue on with our conversation.   There's no need to continually disappear into another room, or a balcony, to hide an embarrassing bodily function.  Let's face it, in the long term, it's simply not practical!  Not to mention, that the human body seems to have a plethora of embarrassing functions which it loves to team up with lousy timing.

I have to admit that it was my hubby that helped me with this, "relax and be yourself" business.  We were spending a lovely afternoon reading.  It was sunny outside and the sun was streaming in through the big windows in my room.  Suddenly, my darling man, gets up and goes onto the floor with his book.  Gluteus in the air.  I found this rather amusing, but thought he might be stretching out his back.  We had been slouching on the couch for most of the day after all.  After a short while, there were the sounds of some gaseous eruptions followed by a sigh of relief from Prince Charming, who sat up and continue to read as though nothing had happened.  I sat in stunned silence for a while and eventually made some kind of remark.  He just shrugged, smiled and carried on reading his book.  After the sixth time I saw him doing this (thankfully, not in the same day)  I dubbed the gluteus up position, "The Farting Position."   Naturally, teasing ensued, as it always does in any relationship where there is a good humor present.  If you don't have humor, how on earth are you going to weather the many storms that blow in and blow out (hmmmm was that a pun?)  You have to be able to laugh together, and yes, at each other.   One of my hubby's favourite things to say to me when he teases me is, "I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing with you."

I guess the Flatulence Test really is a test of tolerance.  If your partner cannot handle a biological "flaw" as it were, that often you have very little control over,  then how on earth are they going to cope with all the other flaws.  The ones that are just part of who you are as a person?  Part of having a strong relationship is being able to accept the other person as they are. Where they are now not where you envision them to be after doing six months of your "Extreme Makeover: Wife/Husband Edition".  No, it must be completely as they are.  Good, bad, irritating and inspirational all at once.  You have to be able to see that the "dark" is what makes the "light" shine so brightly in people's characters and personalities.  If you cannot handle the dark side of a person, then you aren't able to really love that person, or yourself for that matter.  You are only able to love a version of the person.  And what a pity that is.  It's our partner's "dark sides" that show us who we really are.  Now, obviously if your partner's dark side is violent, harmful, dangerous and abusive, that's another matter altogether.  What I am talking about are those things we like to hide from others.  Whether it's our propensity for letting rip with a string of obscenities under pressure, or losing our tempers when things don't go our way, or maybe we're just a little self-centered when it comes to our careers and such.  We all have these little flaws that can sometimes end up being big issues in our relationships with others.  Yet for us to experience the real joy of being totally loved, we have to risk being honest about who we are with the people we love.  Note, I didn't say everyone.

I have a friend.  We have been friends since the first grade.  We have been through all kinds of things together and it is my friendship with her that first showed me how freeing it is to just be yourself.  She didn't have any expectations of me.  She took me as I was.  Nothing I have done or said has shocked her or caused her to withdraw her friendship from me.  We haven't always agreed with each other, but we have always accepted each other.  Having relationships where you can just be:  no censorship of any kind, I think is really important for the human spirit and soul.  I have been blessed with three such relationships in my life, excluding my wonderful family.  But that is really rare. 

So, when starting out in a new relationship, instead of developing the  "new girl/boyfriend bloat", just let it rip.  It will either be the start of a really great relationship or the end of a superficial waste of time.  Either way you win.

Fourteen Days ...

It's hard to believe that the Olympics ran for a mere two weeks.  In that time, it seemed to be all anyone could talk about.  Even politics took a backseat to what was happening in London.  In the middle of a Presidential Campaign, that says a lot.  For fourteen days, the world fought it's battles on the track, field, in the pool, arena (and BMX track!).  We cheered together, cried together, felt each others disappointment and shared in each others pride.  For fourteen days, we managed to get on with each other (for the most part) and for a few of us, we were finally able to see past some of our differences and find common ground. 

 Due to technical issues beyond my control, I wasn't able to see all of the closing ceremony.  By the way, I hear it was great fun if my Facebook feed was anything to go by.  The only part of it I did see, was Rio's "taster" for the next games and the extinguishing of the Olympic flame.  Or as the case seem to be, the passing on of the flame to the next host country.    I am not ashamed to admit that I  cried when I saw that wonderful "torch" being lowered into all its separate parts again and one by one watching the flames being extinguished. Almost like a Dandelion being blown apart by a gentle breeze on a lovely summer's day.  For fourteen days we had come together, each bringing our own little lights.  On their own, they look puny and uninteresting, but when they were joined with others and raised, how brightly the light shone.  Maybe the reason for my sadness is the realization that we only had those fourteen days to feel like we were all one.  In that brief time, despite what was going on in our home countries (and there were some horrific and troubling things going on for some of us) we chose the higher road.   We chose hope and optimism.  We chose to compete honestly.  I wonder just how different the world would be if instead of deploying armies to settle our disputes, we sent athletes.  If our land issues and party issues could be decided by synchronized diving or the 400m hurdles.  Yes, I'm being way too naive, and yes, I am over simplifying world issues,  but sometimes it's nice to dream.  Judging by how many people in the world watched the Games, I suspect it's a dream that not only I carry.  It seems that for the most of us, there is a longing for a unity amongst nations.  Not conformity, but a respect for our diversities, a celebration of our differences and a recognition of the things that we all have in common.  For fourteen days, the best of who we can be and who, I suspect, we wish we could be, was tangible.  It permeated not just London and Great Britain, but every single country that participated.

Thanks for having us, London.  You did a "smashing" job.  We hope the clean up after the wild party isn't too bad and that traffic will settle down from totally outrageous, to just impossible.  Hopefully the prices of pints and pies will be coming to within "normal" range as well.  I feel it's important to also thank you all for sharing your "locals" with us.  And may I apologize if we didn't always show the necessary respect that those hallowed places of communion have in your communities.  It was "Brilliant"!

Now it's the crash after the high.  The hangover after the binge.  My "hangover" was marked by "Stars earn their Stripes".  Seriously?  After watching amazing people do amazing things we get this?  I think I'm better off watching "Duck Dynasty".  At least that has a comedic aspect to it.  You know, something to laugh about so that one might forget how sad one feels at not being able to watch diving anymore! 

What Dreams May Come

I have lived a very lucky, blessed life.  I'm not special.  Certainly not what I would call a "righteous" person.  I don't live in church and am just as flawed (if not more) as everybody else.  

Over my thirty something years of life, I've prayed many prayers, yet it's the prayers I prayed as a little girl I seem to remember best.  Maybe I remember them from all the many times I prayed them.  They weren't the typical children's prayers.  They were more like conversations in which I would express what I would like for my life and future.  The type of man I would like to marry one day.  How many children I would like to have, even what color I wanted their hair and eyes to be.  Other prayers were more like spoken wishes.  Things I hoped for, but never expected to see realized.  There was going to Disneyland, living in California (that dream came from watching CHiPs), traveling outside of my home country, and what every little person prays for, fame.

I've been incredibly fortunate to see almost everything I've hoped for, come to fruition.  I married a wonderful man, who is everything I asked for and more.  We had the children I had hoped for, in the order I had wished for.  I have been fortunate enough to visit England, live in Germany, visit Paris, live in L.A and visit Disneyland and Disney World.  Just recently, I have been able to start riding lessons, another silent wish and hope.  

Today, I had another lesson, and while I was on the back of Little Man, who was feeling oh so frisky today, I suddenly realized I was doing one more thing that I had thought I would never get to do.  In that moment, with my legs wobbling like jelly and my foot hurting from the strain of keeping my heel down,  it dawned on me.  I have a list of crossed off requests, silent wishes and hopes.  I haven't done anything to deserve this.  Maybe it's just keeping myself open to the idea that life can be anything you want it to be.  Even when things don't go your way, or don't work out the way you had hoped, that experience leads to opening another door or opportunity for you.  I certainly don't have any answers for it, but I am grateful.  For all of it.  The good, the bad, the ugly and the mental anguish.  The "clear as day" times and the "murky as mud" times.  All of it.  Because it all led to me having this one moment, this one more thing that causes me to turn my face into the sun, open up my arms, smile and twirl.

There's no telling what dreams may come, if you're open to it.  If you're brave enough to take a leap of faith or desperate plunge.

Where Boys Can Be

This weekend, my hubby and our son had a date. It was a different kind of date. For one, it didn't involve gaming or movies or computers. Secondly, there would be need for bug spray, sunscreen and lots of water. My hubby was taking our son on his first one day hike in one of the many State Parks around here. What surprised me about this "adventure" as my son calls it, was the origin of the idea. It came from my son. You have to understand that this boy spends most if his time gaming. Mine Craft, Sky-rim, Portal. Single player or co-operative play. That's what he's into. Once in a while, I'll get concerned about his lack of vitamin D and boot him outside. He acquiesces but always with a grumble and a moan. Leave him out there long enough, and soon you'll hear the sounds of a boy immersed in his imagination.
They rose early on Saturday morning. Showered, had breakfast and packed the pack with their supplies for the day. I have to admit to being a little apprehensive about this grand idea. My son has many talents but perseverance is not one of them. This was going to be the furtherest he has ever had to walk. Visions of my hubby having to throw our son over his shoulders to get him home in the evening filled my head, as I wished them well and waved goodbye. Half way into their day, I received a call from our son who very excitedly informed me that he had just seen a snake. "It's so much cooler to see them out here, Mom. Here they actually move. Not like in the zoo!". Indeed! As long as the kept moving away from my son, I didn't have a problem. The rest of the day I found myself fretting a little. They had already encountered a snake, what happens if the run into a mountain lion, or a bear, or even worse, a rabid skunk?!
When the arrived home, my son was full of excited chatter. His words all ran into each other making it hard to understand what it was he was saying. I politely nodded and smiled, and once he left to go "rest his legs" on the living room sofa, I asked his father how the adventure had panned out. He smiled and answered, "good" and started working on editing the photos he took of their time in the woods. What became very clear to me, very quickly - our son had a really great time. He walked over a tree bridge. He climbed a rock face, swung on some vines and saw some of Natures oddities, beauty and eccentricities, up close. My hubby played back one of the videos he had taken of our son swinging on a vine Tarzan style. I was transfixed by the image of this boy/man, his biceps flexing to assist in holding him on the vine, his voice crackling and breaking, as it does at this age, his eyes all lit up with joy and pride. In the face of this boy I was seeing a glimpse of a man.
He had gone out into the wild and faced a snake, climbed, ran and explored. He just was ....

Snap, Crackle and Pop - The Sounds of Aging

My hubby and I have been on a serious "get healthy" kick.  I wouldn't call it extreme get healthy kick because we still drink our tea and coffee, and still think there's nothing tastier than a good steak.  Our "Health Kick" is more in the shape of (pardon the pun) exercising and including more water, vegetables and fruits in our diet.

It all started when it dawned on me that aging was a progressive thing.  Even worse, it was an "all inclusive" thing too.  Normally, I'm all for "all inclusive".  Who wouldn't be?   A romantic getaway to the Bahamas - absolutely!  A Round the World Vacation - YES and AMEN!  Aging, just isn't one of those things that one would like to be all inclusive.  Wouldn't it be grand to have addendums and exclusions - loopholes that one could use to avoid the fun that is maturing? As they say here in the south, "Heck*, yeah!"   Over the past couple of years or so, I have read a few articles on aging and it's effect on the body.  Let's just say - it ain't purdy!  What is encouraging is that there are ways you can help your body better weather the maturation process thereby aiding in both looking and feeling better. As my hubby and I have discussed this topic over time,  the one thing we do have absolute consensus on:  we don't want to be frail and feeble.  It is our hope and goal, to remain as independent, healthy and vibrant for as long as possible.  Yes, my idea of aging gracefully, includes fighting it, tooth and nail!  If I were a character in a graphic novel - I would be an awesome, sword-wielding amazon, fearlessly infusing dying cells with new life.  In most of the articles I've read on the research into aging, the one thing that has been consistent is the relationship between being physically fit and quality of life.    Needless to say, hubby dearest and I have been working really hard at working up a sweat.  Some days it's not that hard to do.  Just step out the front door and stand on the porch for a few minutes in the middle of Summer, et voila! you have sweat!  Other days, it requires serious motivation and energy,  to get the lazy butt  moving and stay moving.  Most of the time I can get the lazy butt to move, but normally only to the nearest chair, where it then plants itself for the rest of the day.  Overall though, we have done a great job of exercising.  Which brings me to my story ...  Friday, I headed out to the gym early.  On arrival was greeted by a sign that it would be opening later in the morning.  BUMMER!!  I drove back home and was feeling a little irritated at having to drive all the way back into town to get my work out in.  My hubby, ever the problem-solver, suggested I do a little routine with him instead.  It sounded delightful and it would certainly help with my problem, such as it was, so I agreed.  All was going well until we began squats.  It was hard concentrating over the loud "Snap, Crackle and Pop's" our joints were making every time when went down into the first position and then came up again.  Eventually, I just couldn't help myself anymore.

"Darling, if we are going to continue doing these, I think we need some WD-40!  We sound terrible!"

Or, I guess we could just turn up the music next time ....




*Substitution has been used and has thus changed the saying from the original.  Original saying is "Hell, yeah" and was altered to avoid causing offense or black listing by the language police.  Other sayings like "bless his/her heart" have been left in their original form as their actual words are non-offensive although their implication can be.  Please do not repeat the saying in it's original, unaltered, unsubstituted form unless safe to do so.  

Dreaming of Photography

 One of the many interests I have and sort of "dabble" in is photography.  It's hard to explain the satisfaction of going out with your camera and capturing something beautiful using angles, light and color.  Of course, when you get it absolutely right the very first time, that's even better.  I enjoy taking, what to me, are beautiful pictures, but I am under no illusions as to my aptitude for this wonderful artform.  Yes, it is art.  To set up a shot just right, you have to have some kind of artist aesthetic.  Composition, just like in painting, is important, and it certainly does help to at least be aware of some of the art "basics" when it comes to color, light and composition.    When taking portraits, just like with the old Mestros of old, it is the portrait that captures the essence of the person that touches you the deepest.  Anyone can take a picture of another person, but very few can truly capture the essence of who that person is.  As I've meandered in this playground of interesting people, amazing equipment and breath-taking pictures, I have started collecting a few favorite photographers.  People who's work inspire me.  Challenge me.  Push me to keep shooting for that perfect picture.

One of my favorite photogs, is Annie Leibovitz.  Hardly a surprise there.  I'm sure most folks really enjoy her work.  Then again, who can blame them.  Her pictures, expecially of people, don't just capture the moment which they were in, but imprints a small piece of their soul as well.  If they are laughing, you can almost hear the laughter.  If they are pensive, you find yourself wondering what they were thinking of the second the shutter  opened and closed.  You see people as they are.  Honest.  Stark.  True.  In those frozen moments, they are all beautiful.

I happened to stumble onto an article that was talking about her latest project for Disney.  It's called the Disney Dream Portraits.  What a delight they are.  She has skillfully used her amazing talent as a photographer to capture these actors, dancers and athletes enacting characters and scenes from the Disney stories.  Blended in the whimsy post production and the result has been just magical, in my opinion.  It's different and yet very her, all at the same time. 

Another photographer whom I have come to enjoy a lot, is a local man, Titus Bartos.  An amazing man, with an incurable sweet tooth, who takes these incredibly captivating portraits of people and landscapes alike.  I can also vouch that he likes to share what he has learn't with those of us who are still learning.  I did a basic digital camera lesson with him a few years ago, and really enjoyed my time learning how to use my camera better and how to keep the technical aspects of photography in the back of my mind when taking a picture.  While I wouldn't blame him for my shortcomings, I do give him credit for the things I have gotten right.  He captures, not just the essence of the person, but also the emotion of that moment when the shutter snaps open and shut.  His landscapes often leave me with a feeling of reverence or sacredness.  As though I am being permitted to witness God at His work.

I've just recently discovered another photographer who specializes in wildlife photography.  His blog is simply named Chris the Photog.  His blog is short and sweet most of the time, and he also has some "how to" on how to get the perfect picture of a fat, mischievous squirrel or a beautiful finch.  His joy for what he does is evident in his work.  Every day is a celebration and he takes you along to celebrate with him. Whether it's waking up early in search of grasshoppers or playing around with a new lense.  He takes you along on these amazing "journeys" into nature where you get to see the subjects up close.  I suspect Chris must have the patience of Job.  Probably why I wouldn't do overly well as a wildlife photographer.

If you would like to see some of my adventures and misadventures into Photography, you can click here.

Back to School Blues: The Walmart Story

It's August.  In the States that means, "Back to School".  Cue fanfare.    It's the time of year when the sounds of Maternal Joy can be heard far and wide contra'ed with the low, depressed murmurings of their off-spring.  Ah yes, the sounds of August are a cacophonous melody that makes me smile.

What doesn't make me smile:  the crazed masses trying to get in and out of small school parking lots  and; those self same masses trying to purchase the exact same box of pencils, crayon and such at Walmart.  Normally, I don't mind Walmart.  How can you mind a place that allows you to purchase your staples, as well as staples and hunting rifles all in one place.  It definitely has a great pull especially for budget conscious families. It's great going to one place to get what you need for the school year instead of trapsing around town,  disgruntled kids in tow, hitting five different places.   Trust me, with the heat we've been experiencing lately, getting in and out of a really hot car once, is enough.  After living here for a  couple of years I have learnt that there are a few times in the year when you really don't want to go to Walmart.    The absolute worst is Black Friday.  For those of you who don't know what that is, it's the day after Thanksgiving.  Traditionally, retailers mark down their merchandise to rock bottom prices, which creates a similar reaction in people as does the Sardine Run down on the South Coast.  People do extreme things to get the extreme bargains.  Since being in the States, there has been at least one trampling death at a Walmart, on Black Friday, every year.  The first year, I thought it was a fluke.  I blamed it on the new gaming console that had come out.  It was being sold for less than half it's normal retail price.  Frankly, I would blame adrenaline for that horrible accident.  The following year when it happened again, I was mildly concerned that maybe there might be a problem here.   When it happened again the next year, I made a solemn vow to myself and my family, "I will never shop at Walmart on Black Friday no matter what!  Even if they are giving away iPads .... well ... er ... Snap out of it man!!  Not even if they are giving away iPads and throwing in a iPhone 4s!"   As the years have rolled on and my children have started going to school, I have added another day to that list: first day of school.   While nobody has actually died doing their back to school shopping, I'm sure it's just luck that has kept it so.  For some obscure reason, they put all the school supplies into these really narrow little aisles, that barely accommodate one buggy (trolley).  Imagine that buggy with one coming from the opposite side, no room to turn around in, so you have to literally back out,  with people packed tightly into every available space there is.  Everyone reaching and stretching and pushing and grabbing.  All in  the quest of fulfilling the "School Supplies List."  If  "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned,"  then Hell hasn't seen a mother of three, tired, nagging, fighting kids,  trying to get to the last 10 pc crayon box set.  There are plenty 24 pc crayon box sets, but the teacher was adamant - it had to be 10.  Just as she finally has the "holy grail" within her reach, some unseen contender comes out of left field and swipes her prize right from underneath her nose!  Oh man, the fury that woman has, would make a scorned woman look like a perfect sweetheart!  Last year, I decided, if it is at all possible, and even if it does cost me a little more, I'm not doing my first-day-of-school-supply-list shopping at Walmart again.  I love swimming in the sea, just not a sea of people.

This morning, after fighting my way out of one parking lot and into another and then out again, I headed out to a different place to do my supply list shopping.  Larger aisles made things easier to find.  Fewer people fighting over things, caused less stress.  Not once did I feel scared for my life for having put something in my buggy.  Nor did I feel the apprehension of, "Oh-my-gosh-I-am-going-to-lose-my-mind" come over me.  I even managed to keep my language within acceptable parameters!